I love sitting in bed with my wife. Def makes me feel good.

eh…that’s all I can say about my mood. I have no idea why i’m feeling this way.

It sucks, why am I feeling this way?

Ok so after tossing and turning for pretty much the better part of an hour I guess I should rant a little. 

Why can I be so fucking insensitive!? 

Ok I realize that i sometimes say the wrong thing…not out of any malicious intent, or even to be hurtful, my mouth spouts off before my brain has a chance to filter it. Sometimes I either (A) Am feeling stressed/bad/angry about something that what I say comes out wrong, or (B) I have a legit concern, but I don’t word it properly and it comes off a bit…um….rough to say the least.

Now I refuse to buy into the stereotype that says “all men are insensitive” that’s just complete bullshit. PEOPLE are insensitive…not a specific gender…but I ended up saying the wrong thing and hurting Caryn, the love of my life.

I know that she has made every effort to make sure that we accommodate as many people on my side of the family as we could. And really that’s not even what it’s about.

I had always pictured in my head when I finally got married it would mean my family would be saying how excited they are and how proud of me they are (which is true for my parents, they are excited, happy, proud and the love Caryn so much)

So I have my parents giving Caryn and me their full support and in the long run that’s all I need. I love my parents and getting to see the looks on their faces as the day approaches warms my heart. I’m not lying, they love Caryn…they don’t even think of her as an “in-law”, instead they’re getting another daughter. 

My aunt Andrea is extremely excited about my wedding, she’s looking forward to seeing Caryn (and I know she’ll want to see that ring too)

My grandma pat is so happy for me as well. My prayers are that she lives long enough to see me married, as well as be able to make the trip.

So what is it? What’s plaguing me to the point that I without thinking hurt the feelings of the woman I love?

I never in a million years thought that the things that would usher in my marriage would be relationships in my family disintegrating. 

I know Caryn’s thoughts on some of these things, but there is so much more going on..jesus, Daniel getting greedy after my grandfather’s funeral and expecting, more like demanding all the inheritance, then sending out pissy emails accusing my mom and my uncle Gerald of being selfish and thoughtless, even though in reality it was the right thing to do to split the inheritance fairly. 

Then there’s Alvis and Amanda’s…what can I say? It pains me to say that I’ve never had the relationship with Alvis that would have liked. It seemed that once he went to highschool, he did whatever he could to make it known that he didn’t have a brother. No matter what I did for him, or how much I loved him, I was treated like a commodity, something to be used when needed. My parents faired worst with him. My parents gave him every chance to succeed, they encouraged him and helped him whenever he needed it. What was their repayment for their love and devotion? Let’s see, he totalled their only ever new car, he convinced my parents that he wanted to go to Hope, they eneded up paying half of his tuition only for him to drop out…then convinced them to help with recording school…yeah that paid off big time >.<

While at Hope he lied to my parents and stole refund money they were supposed to get back from the loans they took out. He used it to buy a car he couldn’t afford to make payments on and then my parents not wanting their son to be stranded helped by giving him money to make car payments. They gave him 1200 dollars of money they didn’t have to help him because they loved him…their repayment? He didn’t tell them how bad it was…it got repo’ed about two weeks or so later.

He moves back to yuma and steals more money from them. 

All through this time I was there helping my parents deal with the damage my brother caused them. I was the good brother and son, I helped them keep cooler heads and I tried to talk with Alvis….my repayment for my love and patience? Me being accused of “never believing him”. Problem is he’s lied to me before, he’s lied to our parents and he’s lied to his own pastor before they even got married!

Amanda never liked my mom, that much is certain. My mom was competition. I understand that to some woman the “mother-in-law” is a scary person. Really that’s feminist bullshit that has brainwashed young women into thinking they need to have an adversarial role with the mother in law. My parents did whatever they could to help those two…but any time Amanda lost her temper, blew up at Alvis, who got blamed? That’s right…my parents. My parents never did any of the things Amanda manufactures to tell people. The woman thrives on being the victim. This latest episode that has caused the rift, and got me put in the shit house with my parents, was completely and totally created by Amanda. There isn’t any “difference of perspective” or any shit like that which would paint Alvis and Amanda in a sympathetic light. Anyone who would willingly call his own parents a lier, while not even listening to their side of the story, while cutting them off from seeing the grand kids is a piece of shit, plain and simple.

So then I was accused of being stupid after reading a straightforward statement made by Alvis, then being ganged up on by Alvis and Amanda they decide that I’ve been “doing something” to them, whatever the fuck that means. Do I believe Alvis and Amanda’s “side of the story”? Fuck no, cuz they don’t have a side of the story. Amanda went in there spoiling for a fight, she’s done it before to my mom…yelled at her and treated her like crap. Problem is, my dad was there too. See, the thing is, My dad has always been her cheerleader…when she told him to essentially “mind his own business” what they hell did that idiot think was going to happen? You don’t bitch out another man’s wife, in front of him and expect nothing to happen. 

So now my parents have taken a step back and have a hands off policy with them…and now my parents are “heartless” “unreasonable” and are expected to extend an olive branch that was extended two days after this happened. Oh yeah, this has been going on not for what two months now? Yeah who’s the victim and who’s the aggressor now Alvis and Amanda? you little shits.

Now you can add my uncle WIlliam disowning Shelly, that massive prick! Those two bastards have treated that poor girl like a slave her entire life. Her life is the extreme negative of what could have happened to Caryn…and I thank God it didn’t, although my heart breaks that it did to Shelly. Caryn got a step dad who loves her and treats her like his own, SHelly got a guy who expected her to clean, and be a live in baby-sitter. Her own mother (my aunt Beth) and my uncle Bill, tried their damnedest to ruin her wedding! Their own fucking daughter and they couldn’t be happy for her, they tried to sabotage it at every step of the way. I’m glad I wasn’t there, I might have punched out my uncle. 

Now through problems they had, Shelly and Mike had to move in with those two. Now Mike’s mom is so ill she can’t take care of herself anymore, and she has no one else to take care of her. So Shelly and Mike did the right thing. God calls us to do the right thing and often that means pissing off idiots. Bill wasn’t mad because they weren’t told that they moved out, he was pissed because he doesn’t have a free sitter and maid anymore to work for them…pathetic. And then Shelly makes a post that exemplifies what it means to be a Christian, she didn’t rant and rave at her dad, after getting yelled at by him and disowned…she forgave him. She was the bigger person. She didn’t do it out of malice…for shit’s sake, the woman lost Grandpa Cope…the man loved her with all his heart..she then lost an Aunt that was close to her…all of this in one year…she battled back form depression and then this happened. Through it all she still forgave him.

So I have all this bullshit going and I also want Caryn to have a great relationship with my parents. I know that it’s not up to me, but rather her. And I know that she’ll be fair and give them a chance…that’s all I can ask, is that she will give them both her entire whole hearted effort to build a relationship with them. I know she will because she’s a wonderful woman, who has a sweet and caring heart. She’s also got a great head on her shoulders too. She’s going to be my wife. And I know she’ll have a great relationship with my parents that is uniquely her own. 

So what’s the point of this rant? I dunno, maybe this will help me sleep better, maybe I needed to get this off my chest, I really don’t know. But I’m posting on a forum where others can find it, so maybe one day this will bite me on the ass who knows, and who cares…I needed to do it…I can’t carry this into my marriage and I hope Caryn will read this and forgive me for not being able to articulate all of this accurately. 

Hunny if you read this here it is, I’m sorry I couldn’t get this all out there…well a lot of this you know…just know that in the future though…my lips to your ears…that comes first not, fingers to the keyboard…that’s a promise

I love you 

Thank you God for bringing her into my life

Protect her, and watch over her when I can’t be with her

Amen

Wow, I’ll say this, in my lifetime I never thought i’d miss a person as much as I miss Caryn. I know that my happiness isn’t supposed to be completely based on her (she’s told me as much) but I have to say that a great deal of it comes from her. Can you blame me though? I mean God brought a fantastic woman into my life. She’s my best friend, she’s attractive, smart, funny and best of all she is attracted to me and loves me. I must say this has never happened to me before.

I’m amazed at how quickly certain aspects of my “domestication” get completed. I mean I still some times find myself having to concentrate and remember to ask myself if certain decisions effect both of us or just me. I find that more and more the answer is the latter and less of the former.

In the span of about a year (give or take) I started dating the woman i’ve held a torch for, for a long time…we get engaged and I find an apartment (something that I was stressing about). Things happened rather quickly (which I’m happy for) I know this is stressful for Caryn, which is why i’ve been praying for her. I know we’re going to have a great life together (and in a few short months we’ll be married). I just have to wait patiently for our wedding day…and by the way, I can’t wait to try on the ring she picked out for me!

Okay, so Monday I started my next class…College Algebra. No offense if you love math, but I tend to view math with the same level of disgust as one would a fart in an elevator. On top of that it’s online and that means that there is a ton of extra things that goes along with it. Thank God I have my wonderful fiance Caryn to help me and keep me motivated. 

I’ve got to get going on it, but God help me, i’m gonna procrastinate one more day.